So much mourning

Here's a pic of one of many aviation-themed Christmas cards I ordered years ago, but can't use any more, because I ordered them with a pre-printed signature from Kristan & Sumner. I've been mourning the loss of so many things, these past seven years and longer. When things here kept getting worse, and the many aspects of her illness were driving us into a dark mental hole, I procrastinated indefinitely on sending out Christmas cards and letters. It seemed pointless to talk about all the fun things we weren't doing any more, or to itemize all the minor and major emergencies, and trips to the doctors and hospitals each year. So, after an unbelievable amount of time (15 years?) of not doing that, I've slowly been feeling more positive, and working my way back into sending some cards to family and friends I don’t see regularly. 

This year, I was surprised to find that I actually had the time, energy, and inclination to put together a short summary of the year again. I went outside my comfort zone, and ordered some Shutterfly cards with an upbeat picture showing Jennefer and me smiling and holding Mandy, while we were out on a walk. While I was going through the process of creating address labels, I found several years of old address lists, and was a little shocked to realize just how many people I used to send cards to, that have passed away. That got me thinking about everyone I've known that has died, and I started making a list, which has been a real eye-opener, as it's passed three dozen lost connections, and still counting... No wonder I've been feeling more and more isolated and lost over the years... I'm such a procrastinator, that there's a part of my brain that feels like it can always come back to an unfinished project, and finally see it through. It's strange and sad, thinking I might want to check in with someone I haven't talked to in awhile, only to realize they're not around any more.